If We Go Down
by FallenPrayers
Summary: Morgana is captured, Dying. Merlin uses magic to save her life, unaware that Arthur plans her execution. Torn between her life and the safety of Albion, he makes a deal with Arthur that if she shows herself to the Morgana they once knew, her life can be spared. But convincing Arthur of the good within her is the easy part, convincing Morgana of it, not so easy. M/M, A/G
1. Knights and Witches

"He must have escaped in some other direction" Gwain paused, throwing his sword down. "Is she awake?"

"Not yet" Elyan muttered, not bothering to look up from the fire he was building. Gwain kicked the motionless body with the side of his foot for confirmation. Satisfied, he checked the ropes that bound her wrists and dropped down beside Percival.

Percival leaned against a tree, eyes closed. The days without sleep had not gone unrewarded, but they had also not gone without consequence. Not one of the three would be any use in a fight.

Bored, and too exhausted to keep up his usual chatter, Gwain busied himself with emptying the pouch of mead he had managed to smuggle from the local Tavern. Elyan rolled his eyes but said nothing. It was Percival who spoke up first.

"We should send word to Arthur; he'll want to be in Camelot upon our return"

"Is that necessary?" Elyan Replied "It's the first time Arthur's had a break in over a year, there's no need to bother him. We'll contain her until he's back, then it's his decision."

Percival nodded in agreement, a sad expression on his face. Their king had had a hard time that year. His sister's betrayal, Uther's death and becoming king himself was hard enough, but discovering a traitorous uncle, the loss of Lancelot and the on-going attacks from distant kingdoms had taken a toll on Arthur. Now he had finally been able to take Gwen, check on outer reaches of the kingdom, and rest. None of the knights wanted to pull him back into work, he deserved a break.

"If it were up to me I'd have killed her where she stood" - Gwain muttered darkly, earning him a pointed look from Elyan.

"Just remember she was a -"

"It doesn't matter what she was" Gwain interrupted somewhat angrily. "She's an enemy of Camelot now, and what do we do to our enemies? We kill em, or at least we used to'"

Elyan remained silent, knowing that this out of character behaviour was due to their time locked in the dungeon. Gwain; no matter how much he laughed it off, was angry, just as they all were at how things turned out.

* * *

The distant sound of a snapping twig stirred the knights from their sleep; another caused Gwain to leap up, sword in hand, glancing around at the trees.

"Come on out" He called, grinning "no need to be shy"

Percival heaved himself up from the ground, drawing his sword. Elyan moved silently towards the horses.

Quite suddenly, Leon burst into the clearing.

"_Leon_!" Elyan sighed, relieved. Not noticing the mix of sweat and blood that covered him. "Where the hell have you been?"

"RUN!" Leon gasped, making for the horses. The three knights looked around for a foe, seeing none they stared at him, dumbfounded.  
"Quickly!"  
"But there's no-one there" Gwain pointed out blankly to his friend.  
"Trust me the-"  
Leon was interrupted by a fearsome battle cry and the pounding of feet heading towards them. With wide eyes Percival and Elyan swung up onto their horses, followed by Leon. In their exhausted state a fight was not what they needed, they would not win, realising this, Gwain rushed to untie his horse.  
"GWAIN!"  
"What?"  
"MORGANA!"  
"Oh, right!"  
Spinning around, Gwain roughly grabbed the witch around the waste and swung her up into the saddle, before leaping up in front of her. Laughing, he clamped his heels against the horse's side and set off through the trees at a gallop, followed by Elyan, Percival and Leon leaving the cries of angry bandit's in the distance.

* * *

AN: Well, it's the first story on my new account, and the first time I've written a fanfic in two years. But I love this series too much to ignore it for any longer, so I'm back :D I'm really quite rusty so you'll have to forgive any mistakes in grammar or spelling XD As usual, my brain is a bit crazy so wheras I can follow my plot, a sane person may struggle, so leave a review about it, I can take critism :D


	2. Kings and Warlocks

AN: Hi there, been a while hasn't it? :D for those who haven't read the stories on my old account, something you should know is I only update when I feel inspired, I can't be rushed and I can't be guilt-tripped, if you try my head could implode from pressure :) Special thanks to _Your Favorite Oxymoron_ who reviewedyour the reason I updated, for all those people who alerted my story THANKYOU :D but also I would really appreciate a review, just to let me know what you thought, and you never know, you might inspire me to update. Anyway this is just a little filler to let you know what's been happening in the camalot that resides inside my brain, and also to help me get the characters into 'character' (Bad english I know) despite that, I hope you enjoy.

* * *

The still night air, crisp and sharp was filled with the scent of leaves. A faint glimmer of moonlight pushed it's way through the tree's, reflecting from the glass-like water and causing the whole clearing to glow softly. It was peacefull, a feeling that for over a year, had been non-existant. But peaceful it was, or at least it should have been, if it wasn't for-

tap tap taptap tap

Arthur rolled over, clenching his fists irritably he tried to block the sound out.

tap tap taptap tap

Arthur's jaw tightened, one more time and...

tap tap -

_"Mer-lin!"_

Arthur hissed, glancing backwards at his sleeping wife guiltily while trying to keep an angry stare directed at his manservant.

"_What_?" Merlin asked in alarm, glancing aroun the clearing as if looking for a threat.

"_Shut-up"_

"_What?" _Merlin asked again.

"_Stop making that ridiculas noise_."

"Right, Sorry!"

Arthur cringed at the volume of his voice, before giving him his best_ 'why are you such an idiot'_ look, gesturing towards Gwen.

"Oh!" Merlin exclaimed, as if only just remembering she was there.

Arthur resisted the urge to bury his face in his hands.

* * *

_ "Arthur?"_

_"What!"_

_"How much longer are we going to stay here?"_

_"What? in the forest?"_

_"I meant away from Camalot"_

_"Why, Do you miss Gaius's bedtime stories?"_

_"No, I just have a bad feeling"_

_"A bad feeling?"_

_"Yes"_

_"I recall the last time you had a b-a-d feeling-"_

_"Yeah, big mistake, miles of walking, quick sand, I remember"_

_"So you'll forgive me if I don't take your 'bad feeling' too seriously"_

_"But-"_

"_Look_" Arthur sighed, trying not to sound too sympathetic_ "- if we walk all day we'll reach the next village by dark tomorrow, there are only three more western towns after that. My father's men travelled to the east side of the kingdom not too long ago, so we can leave that until summer, That'll save us almost a month, if everything goes to plan, we'll be heading home by the end of next week."_

Merlin smiled and nodded, however he could not shake the feeing of uneasiness. Something was wrong, he had no idea what but he felt the sooner they were back in Camalot the better. If nothing else Arthur would be safer where there was an army at his disposal. It had been hard for Merlin to protect Arthur under such close proximity to him. With only the three of them to battle any bandits that came their way, there had been no-one else to inadvertedly distract Arthur's attention from his wife and manservant, making it difficult for Merlin to use magic without being noticed.

It had been a long few months. It was Arthur's duty to travel his kingdom, checking on his land and subjects, a duty that had been neglected for many years as Uther had always been too busy raging his war against magic. Now Arthur was king however, it was becoming increasingly necessary as Bandits had invaded the east of the kingdom, terrorising the villages. The trio had travelled hundreds of leauges, lending a hand where needed, but mainly they spent their time reasuring the people that their new king was not to be feared like Uther was. It had been trying for Arthur, finding his feet as a king and leader did not come as easily to him as he had always expected. But slowly, his confidence had grown, and with it did the confidence of the people. Merlin was beggining to see the king that Arthur was to become.

Arthur himself had settled back into silence, but there was one more thing Merlin had been meaning to ask him for a long time, something that couldn't wait much longer.

"_Arthur?" _he asked. When there was no reply he asked again, before yelping in suprise as something hard and metalic collided with the side of his head.

"Go to _sleep _Merlin!" Arthur groaned, exasperated.

* * *

An: So, did they seem in character? sorry about the lack of Mergana, trust me, there will be plenty of that for those who wait. I'm in need of a Beta, if anybody fancies it PM me x


	3. Homecoming

AN: I'm sorry, I know it's another filler. I know where I want this story to go and I know where I want it to end, I'm just having trouble putting it into words, I promise that in the next chapter Merlin and Morgana will meet again.

I'm worried that Gwain is coming across as evil, I re-did the first scene four times to try and fix it, but I guess someone has got to be the bad guy, and Gwain is the only person who fits. I'll try to sort his character out over the next chapters.

Obviously I do not own Merlin, it however owns me :)

* * *

A figure emerged from the darkness, his long red cloak billowing gently behind him as he strolled casually across the courtyard. The faint light from a distant torch flickered, revealing another figure rapidly aproaching the first.

"We shouldn't be doing this"

"Doing what? We're not _doing_ anything" Gwain replied, turning and grinning cheekily in a way that could not be denied, usually.

"You know what I mean.." Elyan replied seriously "We can't leave her like that"

"What more can we do? She won't let anyone near her, she almost kicked Gaius across the dungeon"

"You could ask the guards to lay off her, she has a new bruise every day. It's just not right!"

"I seem to remember you saying the same thing when she had _us_ locked up in the dungeon" Gwain retorted. Glancing down at his friend with an expression that clearly stated he thought he was crazy.

Gwain had a point. The suffering they had inflicted upon Morgana seemed minimal compared to the cumulative pain she had brought upon Camalot. The blood of a hundred innocent people was on her hands. She had turned against all those who loved her, breaking the heart and incedently causing the death of the man who raised her, and worse still, betraying the boy who had been her brother, ally and friend. Had she been anyone but a once trusted member of court, she would have been publically excecuted the second they had captured her. But as it were, until Arthur returned, her fate was not decided.

Morgana herself had not said a word since her capture, neither to beg their forgivness nor to condemn them to a fiery demise. She had barely acknoledged their presence, not once did she look them in the eye. Deep down Elyan hoped it was because she felt too guilty, that she couldn't face the people she had hurt, but he knew in reality that it was because she saw them as nothing more than vermin. Either way, he hoped Arthur would find some other way, he did not believe executing her was the answer. Elyan had no desire to watch another life taken in the hopeless war between Camalot and magic.

"-We shouldn't have her locked up like _that_" Elyan told him, feeling uneasy about the whole thing.

"What do you suggest? Let her roam the castle? The second she get's out of that dungeon she has her magic back, and then where will we be?"

"I get that, but do we really need to let the guards be so cruel"

"I know, they're out of line. But what can I do? They are angry too, and it's probably better this way. In the state she's in, she's not strong enough to cause any damage."

Elyan nodded unhappily. He knew Gwain was not being intentionally cruel, it was Camalot's best interests which he had in his heart. Mostly. But who wouldn't want revenge on the person who had locked them up and forced them to fight for survival simply for entertainment. If anyone deserved to be tied down in the dungeon like an animal it was Morgana.

"_Okay_ then?" Gwain grinned, all traces of bitterness and anger gone from his features "- If we hurry, we can sneak out through the western gates, get to the tavern, grab a drink and be back again before the next patrol."

Elyan smiled and watched his friend disapear into the dark. Forgetting, for the moment the issue that was the Lady Morgana.

* * *

"For gods sake Merlin_, _stop _whimpering"_

"I'm not whimpering!" Merlin protested, waving his uninjured arm towards Arthur in a feeble attempt to strike him.

Gwen scowled at Arthur, before tutting sympathetically at Merlin, wincing for him as she tried to clean the blood from his injured arm.

Misinterperating the scowl, Arthur turned on Merlin.

"It's your fault we got attacked anyway, if you had kept you big mouth shut-"

"They were never going to buy it!" Merlin argued.

"How would you know?"

Merlin gaped at him, it was one of the moments where he truly questioned whether such a great destiny had been given to the right person.

"He has a point Arthur-" Gwen reasoned "-you told them that you and and I were a traveling circus act and that Merlin was the family pet"

"He was hiding behind a tree, they could have mistaken him for a monkey!"

"I was not - _hiding"_

"Whatever you were doing, we're lucky their leader forgot to tie his belt properly..." Gwen interuppted.

Merlin tried to cover his smirk with a cough.

"You're right" Arthur agreed "We're getting far too sloppy, if that guy hadn't tripped and caught fire..." He trailed off.

"Isn't it strange how they all seem to do that" Gwen said thoughtfully.

Arthur nodded, now only half listening, having just noticed his broken sword and busy staring down at it mournfully.

"Do you want me to fix that" Merlin asked motioning towards the sword in an attempt to change to topic of conversation.

"That's okay Merlin" Gwen answered for her husband "I'll do it."

Merlin smiled gratefully. Arthur swooped down to kiss his her. Managing to give Merlin the _what are you still doing here _look at the same time.

The young warlock made himself scarce.

* * *

AN: I love reviews, I know that 35 people alerted this story yet only two people reviewed :'( So, review and tell me what you thought, review ant tell me what you want to happen, review and tell me the colour of your socks! I don't care, I cherish every bit of feedback I get, good or bad. Anyway, I'm hoping to have the next chapter up by the end of the week :)


	4. Chains

An: I _tried_ to write some mergana into there but the story wouldn't let me! I can't controll it! It just wouldn't let me write!

* * *

"I don't know where I'm at  
I'm standing at the back  
And I'm tired of waiting  
Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find, what I've been chasing.  
Can't find another way around  
And I don't want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found.

I shot for the sky  
I'm stuck on the ground  
So why do I try, I know I'm gonna fall down  
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?  
I never know why it's coming down, down, down." -

Down by Jason Walker_  
_

* * *

Trying to ignore the pain that seemed to eminate from every part of her body, Morgana counted the bricks that surrounded her for what was the third time that morning. It was the waiting that bothered her the most. Waiting to die, knowing there was nothing she could do to prevent it.

She had heard them muttering amongst themselves, complaining that they couldn't kill her until Arthur returned. She vaguely remembered Gaius worrying about it being another painfull decision for the king to make. If she had had the energy she would have scoffed at that remark, after everything that had happened between the two of them she knew Arthur would want her dead. It was just a matter of _when_.

Night and day had blurred into a continuous stream of exhaustion, but she couldn't sleep for fear the nightmares would overwhelm her. If Morgana had learnt anything from her half sister, it was not to apear weak in the face of her enemy, and nothing left her in a weaker state than waking screaming from the horrors that resided in the depths of her mind.

She wouldn't let them have the satisfaction of seeing her afraid.

The _them_ she was reffering to being the Guards, of which had taken it upon themselves to 'punish' her for betraying their beloved city and king. She didn't fear them as she had as a child, for they were weak, worthless. But without her magic, and almost lacking the energy to talk, she wasn't a match for a single one of them. So she did nothing. It angered them. If she was being reasonable, angering them would be the last thing would do, anger only made it more painful for her. But there was no room for reason in her world. She would die a thousand times over before she was seen to be pleading with them. She knew it was only a matter of time before she was dead anyway. She could feel the life bleeding from her even now, and even if that didn't kill her, Arther would. Despite that, she was almost glad to have been captured. In the state she had been in she wouldn't have been able to evade her pursuers for much longer. And death is better than suffering at their hands again.

All she could hope for was that it would be quick. Maybe she would even have the chance to confront Arthur before he killed her, if nothing else she could remind him of how much like Uther he had become.

A sudden clatter from above had her frozen against the wall of her cell. One pale hand clutched the chain that tied her down as if trying to break free from it. She listened with baited breath for the sound of the heavy footsteps she knew would come.

She tried again at telling herself she did not fear them.

* * *

"I mean, it's not that I didn't like you... It was so long ago and I only called you a bully because, well anyway I just didn't know you, what I mean is I was just a maid and it's not like I even-"

"Gwen"

Arthur interuppted his wife's flustered babbling gently "It doesn't matter"

Merlin rolled his eyes at his two friends and smiled. Glad that through all the hardships they had faced in their short relationship, they had come through strong.

"What _are _you grinning at Merlin?" Arthur questioned, reaching over and playfully punching Merlin's injured arm. He laughed heartily when Merlin doubled over in pain and lost controll of his horse. It was Gwen's turn to roll her eyes at the two of them.

"And just as I thought we'd make it all the way back to Camelot without you two _fighting_" She laughed, trotting along to assist Merlin and shaming Arthur into doing the same.

"Well, we're not far off now at least." Arthur told them, smiling when he caught sight of the distant castle through the trees. "If we don't stop we might even be there by midday"

"Then what are we waiting for?" Merlin said, grinning as he urged his horse into a canter.

* * *

A young servant raced up the final flight of stairs. When he reached the top and caught sight of who was there, he doubled over, managing to gasp out the word "Sire!" He straightened and bowed his head politely when the knight strode towards him.

"Yes Harold" Leon asked him kindly.

"My master sent me to inform you that he sighted the King and his escorts from the western tower, he expects them to arrive within the hour"

Leon smiled, clapping the boy on the shoulder and nodding in thanks.

"Did you hear that?" He called to the two knights across the room, turning just in time to see Gwain disapear around a corner. _Probably to start on all of the work Arthur ordered him to do _Leon thought.

Elyan gazed worriedly at the vast grass land that surrounded the castle.

"What ever is the matter Elyan?" Leon asked his friend. "I'm sure Arthur won't be too angry about that statue, and even if he is, we can blame it on Gwain."

Elyan turned to the other knight with a slightly irritated expression. "I think that's the least of our worries."

"How so?"

"Hehates it when even the smallest thing from him, how do you think he'll react when he discovers we captured Morgana _two months _ago?"

"We'll just explain our reasoning, I'm sure he'll understand."

"Even if you do explain that, when he sees her..."

"It's not as bad as it looks, I'm sure-"

"Don't kid yourself. She's _dying_ Leon!Even if she would let Gaius near enough, there isn't anything he can do with a head injury like that."

"Maybe it's better for him that way, you know as well as I do he can't bring himself to kill her, and now he may not have to"

"He won't let it happen, not like that.."

"It wasn't our fault!"

"Wasn't it? She may have been hurt when we captured her, but it was our guards who smashed her head through the wall."

Leon nodded grimly. "They got out of hand, I'll admit, we should have stopped them."

"Yes, _we_ should have." Elyan agreed stoically.

After a moment of silence, a look of saddness passed through Leon's eyes. He gazed away into the distance, talking sofly to no-one in particular-

"Morgana was seven when she first arrived in Camelot -I remember her crying. Life in Camelot was all so new to her. She had never even seen a guard before, she was too terrified to leave her chambers until Uther ordered them away, they frightened her, although she would never have admitted it. Arthur had never had the chance to act the honorable knight before, and he had taken a liking to his new adopted sister. He worked it out almost immediately and promised her that he would never let them hurt her, I remember how she laughed at him and said she could look after herself, but I think she believed him."

Elyan sighed unhappily and turned to look out through the window. In the distance, he could see the three figures on horseback approaching. With a small smile that looked more like a frown he placed one hand on his friends arm.

"It'll kill him to think he broke that promise, we should go to meet them. Maybe it will be better if we tell him."

* * *

Arthur stalked towards the dungeon, shadowed nervously by Merlin. Gwain and Leon had the sense to follow out of striking distance.

He had no idea what to expect, no idea what to feel. He knew that capturing your enemy should be cause for celebration, should it make a difference when the enemy is your sister?

He tried listing the reasons he had to hate her. She had plotted against and eventually caused the death of his Father, which in itself was reason enough to kill her. She betrayed him and all those who cared for her. She tried to kill him on numorous occasions and tried to turn him against his friends. She even manipulated his own uncle into betraying him. She attempted to overthrow Camelot and had hundreds of innocent people killed.

If anyone deserved to die, it was Morgana.

Yet when he caught sight of her, he choked.

She was pale. No, that wasn't the right word, she had always been pale. Now she was tranclucent, one long gash reached from the back of her head to the left of her white neck. Blood seeped through her hair and covered her face in scarlet streaks. It was made all the worse by the dark bruises which contrasted from her skin sickeningly. She looked so small, like a frail child. There were chains everwhere, they had tied her down like she was a wild animal that needed to be restrained. A little voice in Arthur's head reasoned that she almost was.

He took a step towards her motionless form, opening his mouth as if to say something, but no words came out.

Upon hearing his footsteps she whipped around as fast as her failing body would allow, her eyes wide. She struggled to focus on the figure who stood before her, when she did she covered the look of fear with a look of hatred, and snapped as best she could with her weak voice - "Come to gloat have you brother?"

Arthur tried and failed to look everywhere but into the eyes of his fading sister.

"They shouldn't have treated you like this"

Morgana scoffed, looking down at her bound wrists- "Don't pretend you didn't order them to do it"

"I didn't Morgana I swear!"

She regarded him for a moment. The look of pure hatred she gave winded him. It hurt to think that the girl he had once cared so much for could harbour such loathing, let alone direct it at him.

"Maybe so, but don't try to deny that your planning my execution at this very moment."

When he didn't reply, the hatred she felt quickly esculated into rage.

"Your just like Uther!-" She shreiked acusingly "- You will excecute me simply for who I am!"

He gazed down at her with tired eyes. She began to struggle against her bindings, glaring at him angrily.

"Then I will die knowing you to be a coward!"

It wasn't a plea for mercy, it was bait. She was trying to get Arthur to kill her there and then. He could not for the life of him understand why.

He turned away, motioning towards the guards he said "Silence her."

One of the guards raised his fist toward her. Leering sickeningly.

"-You promised me!"

She cried desperately. Now staring at Arthur tearfully.

He turned around. Staring from her to the guards in disbelief, agony written clearly across his features. He hated when she did this. When she acted as though she was the same person he knew all those years ago, before everything had gone wrong. She would never be the Morgana he had known, whoever it was who had taken her place was something the complete opposite. He knew what promise whe was reffering to. He was amazed she even remembered. He told himself that she didn't mean anything by it. She was just manipulating him, after all, no-one _wanted_ to die.

But he couldn't help but harbour that hope, the hope that somewhere, deep inside, the girl he loved hadn't died. It was childish, naive even, but it was what had stopped him from killing her every chance he had been given. He had never been able to kill his greatest enemy because he was always wondering whether she would turn back into his sister.

She was staring him right in the eye now. All hatred and bitterness gone, she gazed at him and it almost made him believe things _could_ go back to the way they had been. Almost.

He raised his hand and motioned for the guards to leave. He then steeled himself and looked directly at Morgana.

"Your will face trial tomorrow. If you fail that trial, I _will_ kill you. But not because you possess magic. Know that if you die, you die because you used that magic to cause suffering. As much as I loved my Father, I know he also used his power for such deeds. It is _you_ who is like him Morgana, you and not me."

He turned around and strode away, he didn't look back.

* * *

AN: I'm sorry it wasn't what I promised! but i swear it just wouldn't write :/ I've already started the next chapter which is all Merlin and so far the words are being co-operative and not trying to write themselves :P Review? x


	5. The Reasoning of the Guilty

Book surrounded them. All open and sprawled across every piece of shabby furniture that had been crammed into the large room, some containing remedies of healing, others descriptions of plants and herbs. A hundred or more scrolls in over fifty languages papered the floor, some flying into the air and floating down like snowflakes at every gust of wind that blew through the small window.

Merlin pressed another cloth to the side of Morgana's head. He watched as the white material rapidly transformed to red and wondered how she could have any blood left.

Gaius slammed another book closed, causing a large cloud of dust to rise from the ancient pages and made Merlin's eyes water.

"I can't believe they left her in this state so long! If they'd called for me sooner I could have healed her"

Merlin glanced up from his seat by the unconscious witch's side with a pained expression. "You _could_ have healed her? You mean you can't now?"

"I'm afraid not my boy, trust me when I say I have tried everything in my power but there is nothing more I can do for her."

"_Ever_y_thing _in your power?" Merlin asked cautiously, ceasing his desperate attempt to staunch the flow of blood coming from Morgana's forehead for a moment and turning to face his guardian. "Have you tried magic?"

Gaius sighed unhappily. "_Merlin-" _he began reproachfully "-I know this is hard, for you more than anyone, but she's dying. It will take powerful magic to save her, and it will still be a miracle if we manage it. Arthur will be suspicious, and we cannot risk exposure for her. Too much is at stake."

"We could tell him you found a remedy that helped! Surely you could explain it with science!"

"And if we do? She_ won't _change Merlin. And if Arthur cannot bring himself to kill her? You know as well as I she is too stubborn to give up. If she lives, she will continue on the path she has taken. And at some point, be it soon or years in the future, she will succeed. If of nothing else then think of Arthur, while she lives he will always be in danger, and with him the whole future you may create."

Merlin nodded unwillingly, he knew deep down that Gaius was right. Morgana was the last person he should want alive. She had done nothing in the last two years but make his life unbearably difficult. Just as he thought Arthur was beginning to see magic as something, not good, but not completely evil either, Morgana had messed it all up. Morgana had proven Uther Pendragon right in more ways than any magic user had ever done before. She used her powers to harm, to cause suffering. She murdered innocents, caused the deaths of Men, Woman and even children. She had become someone so far from the frightened girl who sought his help all those years ago that he could barely recognise her.

But while he did not agree with the actions she had taken, and even hated her for the path she had chosen, Merlin could understand her. He knew that ultimately, their goal had once been the same. _They_ had been the same. Both harboured great power, both had been confined within a city ruled by a man who would never accept them, who would have killed them in an instant if he knew the truth. Merlin understood the chilling fear that came with it, for he felt it every day. But he knew it was the pain that had turned her against them, the pain of knowing your friends would turn against you if they ever discovered the truth. It hurt Merlin even now to know he could be hated for something he had no control over. He was sure Morgana felt the same way. At least he had had Gaius, having one friend in a whole city was not much, but it was someone with whom he could almost be himself, no hiding, no fear. Morgana hadn't had that, the fear had grown and taken hold of her, morphed into hatred. He had watched it happen, doing little to help. He had understood the loneliness that came with _knowing_ there wasn't another in the world who understood you, she had been in pain and he had stood by and watched. He should have helped her, he should have told her. But he hadn't, and he would forever live with the consequences.

And despite all she had done, he didn't want her to die.

"I" he whispered, slumping back into his chair and dropping his head into his hands. - "I just wish there was another way"

Gaius sighed, pulling a chair towards his young ward and lowering himself into it. "As do I my boy, but she poses too much of a risk."

"I _know _that!" Merlin murmured "-It's just, I can't help but feel like, there was something more I could have done."

"Merlin_" _Gaius sighed, placing one wrinkled hand on the boy's shoulder comfortingly. "You can't blame this on yourself.

Merlin only smiled, he reminded himself that Gaius, as much as he tried, would never understand. The old physician had not been born of magic, the little he could control of it was weak, diluted. It wasn't part of him like it was of Merlin, like it was of Morgana. The magic was in their blood, it was the same power that ran through their veins, it made them kin. He had been given a choice between his kin and his destiny, she would never know that he was forced to make a choice, she would never know that they both wanted the same things, or that his had been the right path to get them. But Merlin felt that by making that choice, he also betrayed his friend.

The cause for it had been great, for Albion was a future worth fighting for. Without even knowing Morgana had done all she could to fight against it. They were like two armies fighting for control of the same kingdom, but only one of them was fighting the right way. Morgana knew no better than to think it was her in the right. Her intentions, no matter how twisted, had once been good. But somewhere along the way she had been corrupted, hatred had overwhelmed her, causing her to cross a line Merlin could not ignore.

But the part of his brain that still clung to the girl who had been his friend told him that unlike their previous king, it had not been entirely Morgana's fault.

She had hated Uther out of fear, out of anger for the way she and her new-found kind had been forced to live in fear. Merlin could understand why she had wanted him dead, he really could. For a small part of him had always wished him to be too. But he could not have allowed her to kill him, the knowledge that his Father's life had ended through magic would have turned Arthur against it for good, Albion would be lost. Of course, Morgana knew nothing of Albion, nor of who Merlin was and what his future held. When he poisoned her she did not see a powerful warlock destined to protect the kingdom she then sought to build, she saw the friend who tried to murder her in defence of a tyrannical king.

The situation was so complicated. Morgana _was_ evil. She always would have that cruelty in her heart. But had it always destined to be so? Did she turn against them because she was born to do so, or by chance? Had that bitterness always been part of her or was did it force itself in?

Was it her own doing, or was it his?

Merlin gazed down at his hands, they were covered in her blood. He almost laughed at the irony, and didn't bother washing it off. Gaius gave up on waiting for a reply and crammed a large pile of healing books back onto one of the shelves, stepping carefully over the scrolls and manoeuvring towards the door. When he reached it he turned to face Merlin.

"I'm going to inform Arthur that there is nothing more we can do, I expect he will want to see her._"_

Merlin watched him go. Thankful Gaius didn't elaborate. For what he wanted to say was

_I expect he will want to see her before she dies_

Merlin gazed down at Morgana for one long moment before deciding. A book slowly floated towards him, already flicking to the page he would need. He pulled it gently from the air and set it on the table before her.

_hoc melius esse tanti est_

* * *

AN: I'm very proud that two years of latin made me able to write that last line :D

I have never thought about just how _complicated_ the whole Morgana vs Camelot thing really is. Every single person has a reason to hate Morgana, and a reason to be blamed for the way she turned out. Every relationship with her is different and agsty and tragic and MEH! makes me sad :'( Anyway reviews? I love them more than I love Chocolate and Ponies and rainbows and Colin Morgan and... well maybe not more than Colin Morgan but still please give me your reviews, I will love them and Cherish them and worship them and be Faithful to them and well, reviews?


	6. The Innocence of Childhood

_My heart is broken_

_Somebody fix it_

_My walls are closing in_

_Caught in a deep hole_

_Stuck at the bottom_

_Trying to reach for help_

_Slow the clock is ticking loud_

_Feel that time is running out_

_And all that's left to do I let it wind down_

_Where do I even start?_

_To pick it up when it's falling apart_

_Where do I even start?_

_Why does it seem so hard?_

_Where Do I Even Start?_ - Morgan Taylor Reid

* * *

Arthur was nine years old when he first tried to kill his sister.

Well, at the time he had no idea she was his sister, nor had he come to think of her as one. He had pointed that out more times than he cared to remember in the first few weeks of her life in Camelot. Having had to deal with this intrusion to his previously perfect life for four months by that time, siblinghood had well and truly come to tire him. Arthur was sick of being told 'No you can't play with the squires today, you have to stay with Morgana' and 'you must treat her with more respect Arthur, think how hard it must be for her'

He wished people would think of how hard it was for _him, _the girl never _shut-up_. And technically he didn't _try _to kill her, only maim her in a way that would allow him ten seconds away from her persistent jabbering.

"Is that your sword Arthur?"

"Are you _sure_ that's how your supposed to do it?"

"Your _supposed _to swing from the shoulder, not the wrist."

"My Father says a real knight should never fight like that."

"Your footwork is sloppy"

""Your doing it _all_ wrong."

The young prince had never had to deal with such disrespect, being used to servants and nobles alike worshiping the ground he walked on he had no idea what to make of this strange, skinny little girl who was all raven hair and elbows talking to him as though he was stupid.

He really didn't like her at all.

So one day, when she was being particularly annoying, he glanced around the empty training court, picked up the nearest sword and handed it to her. "If your so good at it then you try." He had stated pompously. He had expected her to refuse, apologise or even beg for mercy, after all; it was well known across the kingdom that the young prince had never lost a dual.

Most of the girls he knew were simpering _fools_, perfectly content to sit around playing with dolls and sewing. Not his new foster sibling apparently, because she spun the sword in her hand gleefully with far more skill than he could ever have anticipated and half skipped towards him, an excited glint lighting up her blue eyes. Arthur tried to ignore the churning in his stomach, which occurred partly because he knew that it was wrong to fight girls, but mainly for fear of what his Father would say if he saw them. To the young prince's greatest dismay, his Father had taken a great liking to Morgana in a way he had never shown towards his own son, and he was sure that Uther would not be best pleased if he found the only heir to the throne of Camelot pointing a sword at his new ward.

Morgana, apparently, had felt no such unease and lunged at him, brandishing the too-long sword as menacingly as a small eight year old could. Surprised, he only just managed to bring his sword upwards to hers in time, the force behind the blow causing him to almost lose his balance. Morgana grinned determinedly and came at him again, but this time he braced himself and moved forwards to meet her.

They were locked in a dangerous dance of dodging and lunging for some time. Arthur had wondered vaguely where a girl could possibly have learnt to fight the way she did. Their eyes were wide and excited, and neither had shown any sign of slowing down and they had soon found themselves a good way from the training court, having spiralled, spun, retreated and forced themselves further and further away from sight of the castle.

It had begun to dawn on Arthur that his swordsmanship trainers must have been holding back on him in all of their duals as none had ever lasted so long, and he could not tell whether he was winning or her. It was during that thought that Morgana had managed to hit him with the flat side of her sword, sending him crashing to the ground, a dust cloud rising gently around him. He gaped upwards at her in shock. She smiled at him.

"I told you, you _were_ doing it wrong." She chirped and turned on her heel, her dark curls flying around her shoulders as she strutted away.

Arthur had never felt so angry in his life. Never before had he been beaten, and for it to happen like that, by a _girl_! Defeat was not something he had ever dealt with before, and he did not like it one bit. Rage forced him to his feet, all thoughts of chivalry and honour gone. He ran towards her, sword in hand, at the sound of footsteps she made to turn around but he had already swung. The thin metal efficiently sliced her arm, side and part of her rib cage, her gasp of pain made his heart stutter unevenly in his chest and he watched her fall to the ground, clutching her side, his young eyes widened in terror as he realised what he had done.

He stood, frozen to the spot as he watched the steady flow of blood pour from her wounds, darkening the dirt floor where it touched. He recognised the expression on her white face, it was the same one he wore when his father struck him and he was trying desperately not to cry. A wave of respect for her had washed over him. He realised for the first time that she was brave.

It was then he realised he didn't hate the girl anywhere near as much as he thought he did.

When he had finally been let out of the dungeon Arthur went straight to Morgana's chamber. He knocked tentatively on the wooden door before stepping inside quietly. She was lying on her huge bed, buried underneath a mountain of blankets. Uther Pendragon was often a harsh man, but there were no limits to his love for his new ward, for some reason he had tried to show his love through endless piles of expensive pillows of which Morgana was surrounded by. Arthur noted she was almost as white as the sheets, and wondered just how deep the wound had been.

He had clambered up beside her, smiling as she grinned weakly at him. Arthur decided then that his friends were all wrong, having a sister wasn't _too _bad, especially when they were brave and could fight like his could. Upon inspecting his handiwork he nodded knowingly and informed her that it would definitely scar. This had made her strangely happy, she told him proudly that her Father had many scars and he had been a great warrior. She did however confide in him that she perhaps didn't want to repeat the experience for fear of ruining her chances of wearing sleeveless gowns without worrying about ugly marks on her skin. They mutually agreed to use _wooden_ swords from that day forth, and only when Uther was nowhere in sight.

* * *

King Arthur stood alone with her in the physicians chamber, leaning heavily upon the stone wall and staring blankly through the window. He tried not to count just how many years it had been, it seemed a lifetime ago. He could see the scar on her arm from the corner of his eye, it stood painfully from her white skin, he could remember the day as thought it were yesterday. He told himself it would be easier if he didn't think of those times.

For over a year he had considered what he would do if this very situation should arise. Morgana had to go, for the good of Camelot and all those associated with it. She was to danger to everything he held dear, every person he could think of, was under threat each moment she continued to live.

It was easy to hate her when he could not see her.

It was easy to think of her as the enemy when she wasn't right in front of him, looking so much like his sister that he wanted to scream, scream and tell her to stop pretending because she isn't and she shouldn't look like the girl he loved because she is everything that's wrong in the world and that wasn't what his sister was.

But mostly he wanted to scream and tell her to wake up and be better because it wasn't fair that he was supposed to hate her while she lay there, motionless and sick because of _his_ men.

He wasn't supposed to feel guilty when she was hurt.

He had expected the worst when Gaius brought him to her, he had expected it was to say goodbye. But instead he met his manservant, grinning from ear to ear as he told Gaius that she had improved. Arthur had doubted it at first, she was akin to a corpse, and if it hadn't been for her very shallow breathing he would have believed her to be one. Gaius however confirmed that Morgana was in fact healing, and Arthur tried to decide what he felt about that.

Worry, disappointment, doubt, sorrow and strangely, relief washed over him. He worried for his kingdom, for Gwen and Gaius and Merlin, for the danger Morgana put them in. But he was also relieved, for no matter how far they had come, how far they had separated themselves, Arthur couldn't bare to watch her suffer.

But what now?

He could hardly just let her go, what if she chose to attack Camelot again? He couldn't just keep her locked in the dungeons; she would find a way out, and even if she didn't, Arthur didn't want to watch her waste away in a cell, miserable and bitter for the rest of her days. He would not stoop to her level, he would not hurt her in the way she had hurt him.

There was only one thing he could do, there had only ever been one thing to do. He would have to execute her. The words sounded wrong, even in his head. Execute Morgana, it was something he had thought of a lot as a child - "When I'm king I'll have your head for talking to me like that." the young prince would say with a glare on his face, but later, when everyone else was asleep he would sneak into her chambers and tell her he would never do such a thing, and they would talk for hours about all the people they _would_ execute, such as Morgana's new nanny who they both hated passionately, or Alfred the king's manservant who always got them into trouble.

A lot had happened since then, the situation was different. Morgana wasn't _Morgana_, not the Morgana he knew, she deserved no less than to die by his hand for what she had done. But why was it so hard?

He wished for a moment that he hadn't sent Merlin away, for some reason his idiotic manservant always knew what to say in situations such as these, it was part of the reason he valued his friend above any other.

But what could he say to this? Merlin too had cared for Morgana, there had been a time when Arthur had been somewhat worried about that fact, and Merlin had also been hit by her betrayal. The two of them were on the same boat, it seemed there was no other option.

He glanced down at her unconscious form and considered just how much had changed. When he thought of the Morgana he had grown up with, he thought of kindness, of which she had gladly shown to anyone she met, be them peasant, noble, man, woman, child or convict, it had been something he had always loved about her, and something that showed no remnant within the Morgana he knew now.

He wondered how Kindness could have turned to Cruelty, Courage to bitterness, Loyalty to Murder.

Her pride somehow stayed intact.

He tried to pinpoint exactly when it had happened. When had he lost her? When he thought about it, it was a lot earlier than he thought, long before she had met Morgause, she had changed. He remembered how sometimes she would say things, treasonous things, he had ignored them, she had always been like that. But what he didn't register them was as the first clue.

He should have guessed she possessed magic. The dreams, those nightmares that kept her awake all night long and left her a nervous wreck by morning, they came true. He had always pushed the thought to the back of his mind. Morgana was _good_, sorcerers weren't, therefore Morgana couldn't have magic.

But she did.

Something was off about it though. Arthur had always been taught that people chose to practise magic, and that it corrupted them. But Morgana had been a little girl when the nightmares started, they terrified her. He could not believe she chose magic, nor could he believe the girl who had been his best childhood friend had been evil. But everything he had been taught told him she had been, if she had possessed magic for so long, why hadn't she betrayed them sooner?

Arthur could only think of one explanation. Something else had happened, something other than magic had changed her into what she was now, he just wished he knew what it was.

* * *

When Morgana was well enough to be moved Arthur had her back in the dungeons, she had not yet regained consciousness and he decided it would probably be best she was restrained when she did.

Gwen, lovely, kind beautiful Gwen had cleaned her up, brushed out her long hair and made her look so much like the old Morgana that it almost reduced Merlin to tears, Gwen had gone out of her way to make her former mistress comfortable. Overwhelming affection for his friend had washed over Merlin like a wave, she was just so genuinely _good_. As queen and the only one who truly did not deserve the hate she had received from the sorceress, she owed it to no-one to help, yet she insisted, "I can't just sit here." She had said. "She wouldn't want some stranger to do it." Gwen would have stayed beside her all night but eventually, Arthur managed to prise his wife away, insisting that she got some sleep, Gaius had left to treat patients and Arthur had for some reason ordered all guards away. So it was left to Merlin to sit with her, he stayed safely outside the cell, magic or not, if she woke up to find him she would most likely throttle him, but for some reason he couldn't bare to leave her alone.

He had left her alone enough for one lifetime.


	7. Peace, you know, is relative

AN: Thankyou for all your reviews, it's a short chapter I'm afraid, but at last the Mergana is starting (Although you wouldn't think it from this would you :D) I really don't want to rush it, Merlin would never just turn around one day, after everything that's happened and go "Oh, I'm like, madly in love with you, despite the fact that we've tried to kill each other on several occasions, You tried to murder most of my friends, you had my mentor tortured AND locked in a dungeon, I've thwarted all of your plans, your supposed to be my worst enemy and many years into the future I'm going to have to kill you WITHOUT feeling guilty about it afterwards and healing you." Yes, they may have to sort this small list of issues out first XD

* * *

When Morgana awoke she was not alone, and in the state halfway between sleeping and waking this confused her, she always awoke alone, unless Agravaine had decided to visit.

But this wasn't Agravaine.

Purely from lack of use, her eyes refused to work as well as they should. She blinked and tried to make out the figure who sat a few metres from her. It was a man, that she much she could tell, thin and lanky, with dark hair. He was tall, she assumed from his long limbs, as he was curled up by the wall and she could not tell his height. As her eyes began to focus, she realised he was not facing her so she tried to move and get a better look. As she did something cold tightened around her wrist, she gasped, the action causing her lungs to scream in protest, she collapsed back down. He must have heard because he called out gently to her.

"I wouldn't move yet, your not fully healed."

She recognised the voice. _Merlin._

Everything came flooding back to her, and she realised where she was. Why she was there, her question was, why was he there? She swayed a little, the exhaustion and pain that had taken hold over the past few months catching up on her. Weak. She would not allow the boy to see her weak, she would have to get rid of him. She pulled at the chains that seemed to crush her wrists and hissed bitterly "-I see my dear brother still has me tied down here like a _dog"_

When her statement provoked no reaction from the servant she sighed in disappointment, she had aimed to upset him, he was usually so defensive of his beloved Prince.

"Not that it surprises me" She whispered callously "-Like Father, like _son"_

She watched as Merlin spun around, blue eyes flashing angrily "be thankful that's the _only_ thing he's done, Gwain was all for hanging you from roof of the throne room, thought you'd make a nice candle holder."

Morgana was surprised at his unusual reaction and her smile faltered for a moment, she tilted her head to the side in mild confusion.

"Ahw" she cooed sardonically, her voice taking on a taunting edge "-Is something bothering you _Merlin?_" She smirked at him wickedly. The boy's eyes seemed to fill with pain, her eyes narrowed, surely she hadn't said anything _that_ upsetting.

"It would do you good-" he murmured "- if just for once, you would think of someone other than yourself, and realise that _you're _the one in the wrong here."

She regarded the boy for a long moment, the contempt in his eyes shocked her. When had he begun to hate her? She had hated him for a long time, but for some reason no matter how harsh she was to him he had always treated her as though they could be _friends_. The term almost made her laugh aloud, he had forfeited any chance of their friendship the day he poisoned her. How _dare_ he talk to her like that, as though she had been the one to betray him. Not that she cared of course, she didn't need the approval of a _serving boy. _So what if he hated her? Everyone else did, it had never bothered before.

"You believe I'm wrong to stand up for who I am?" She asked sharply.

"No I believe your wrong for trying to hurt people in the process."

"I've done what I had to! The only way those with magic can be free is to rid ourselves of the _tyrant _who sits on that thrown along with anyone who get's in the way, You have no-"

"UTHER IS DEAD MORGANA!" He yelled, cutting her off. She jumped a little and he caught himself when he saw the startled look in her eye.

After a moment of angry staring he began to speak again, softly now.

"Uther's gone, I don't know what tyrant you speak of but it's not Arthur" He held her gaze for a moment, his eyes becoming pleading. "-The battle is over, why are you still fighting?"

Morgana went quiet then. Wondering at what point on the long journey that had brought the two of them here, the bumbling _fool_ she had one called her friend had grown up. She was suddenly angry, more angry than she had been in a long time, why couldn't he understand?

" You know NOTHING!" She shrieked, forgetting herself for a moment and lifting her hand as though to blow him through the wall. Infuriatingly, the boy smiled, although the gesture was more of sorrow than joy.

"You can't _touch_ me without your magic Morgana, it's over."

"You'd be surprised" She whispered threateningly, although knowing herself the threat was an empty one

"-and it will _never_ be over."

* * *

AN: Well they got off to a good start didn't they. I'm going to spain on sunday, so won't be able to update for a while, if I get enough reviews to inspire me, I might update over the next few days (I know, I'm shameless, but I love reviews) xx


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